I'll let you set the pace
Cause I'm not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can't see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Almost 1am
And there's something terribly wrong with me.

I feel such a great inertia when i think of going out with the very few friends i have because i just don't see a need to? And its scaring me because when i leave what's going to happen? i don't let my guard down easily & so what about making friends in UK? And if i don't even have a social life now when i should and could, what then?

As my mum would say at the end of the day all you need are a few close friends so the number of friends that i have - is it enough? Do i go out and make more friends? Maybe you can never have enough friends

Or a simple way would just be to screw all that i've said above
& go out and have fun instead of staying home & watching movies all weekend

That'll be my aim for the month i guess? Take more chances be more adventurous eat better food eat different types of food (not chinese or italian or japanese) learn to eat spicy food learn to be more patient learn to love people more for who they are & not how they treat you treasure the things i have now & don't worry about the future but be prepared for it

All i want

I've tried this
I've tried that

But in the end
Its not going to work out

Or so I think so.

Good things come and go

But i need you to stay 

"Sometimes we feel empty; we feel a vacuum, a great lack of something. We don’t know the cause; it’s very vague, but that feeling of being empty inside is very strong. We expect and hope for something much better so we’ll feel less alone, less empty. The desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. There’s also the deep thirst to be loved and to love. We are ready to love and be loved. It’s very natural. But because we feel empty, we try to find an object of our love. Sometimes we haven’t had the time to understand ourselves, yet we’ve already found the object of our love. When we realize that all our hopes and expectations of course can’t be fulfilled by that person, we continue to feel empty. You want to find something, but you don’t know what to search for. In everyone there’s a continuous desire and expectation; deep inside, you still expect something better to happen."
- Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist Teacher

somehow someway this reflects my mood perfectly

Some days i taste food so good i think about it for the rest of the day

sigh

Sun's shining I'm positive

I've been reminiscing about my JC days, trying to think of something that I was grateful for.

And after sifting through loads of photos and videos, I think Chinese Dance made me (not happiest for sure) realise how fortunate I am. Many times I felt like quitting Chinese Dance and even shed tears over the frustration of doing it. But despite missing many many many trainings, I was still allowed to perform. 

Boom the photo of me above (in full ang bao costume and reflective forehead and weird headpiece) was taken after I was totally done with Aristal 2014. So initially, only Audi and Nicole were supposed to turn up. So to my utter disbelief (?) Alyssa and Alex also turned up to surprise me. And that day was a very important day to me. Earlier in the week, my ah gong passed away. The day of Aristal was also the day of his funeral. So after attending his funeral in the morning, I had to rush all the way to Singapore Poly (?) or was it Kallang to perform in the evening. It was definitely the darkest week of my life so far. I have never ever experienced the passing of a loved one so close to me and thus I didn't know how to deal with it. School was a horrible thing to go to. I remember the morning after my mum told me about it, I had to take a Chem MCQ test. I remember I scored 2/30. And I totally didn't give a shit cause seriously I didn't even care anymore. Although this sounds totally bizarre, I could feel my ah gong's presence around me for about 3 days after his passing. Maybe its the fact that I haven't come to terms with his passing, like I just couldn't understand / fathom that he's no longer around anymore. I can't even see him on weekends after his dialysis. I remember looking out of the window during GP lessons (like I always do cause nothing ever happens in class) and I can just feel him there, looking into my life. And so ofc I daydreamed the whole day, thinking of my ah gong. Of course I could share my grief with my classmates but I couldn't bring myself to expose my weaknesses to people I barely trust. The only person I told was Hwee Sin cause of Chinese Dance matters and that was it. I remember the second day after his passing I had a good cry with Alex in the toilet during my GP lesson. I also remember crying all alone in the smelly canteen toilet during my break. I also remember the feeling when I performed that night, like it was the final thing ah gong was going to watch before he went to heaven. He has never watched me performed before so that performance was the best one I had ever done in my life. 

So back to the photo: As I exited the changing rooms and struggled up the ramp with all my belongings, I was stunned and so so so happy at the sight of my friends waiting eagerly for me. For that split second, I truly felt like I was the luckiest and happiest girl on the planet. I don't know what I did to deserve such friends but I'm really genuinely thankful for them. And just like the grief I felt, I will forever remember the feeling when we shared a big group hug. Everything felt better after that. All the worries and darkness of the past week were gone & I was back to the same old me again. So if not for Chinese Dance, such a thing wouldn't have happened.

I think the feeling of dancing is something not everyone can understand. It's indescribable. How can you explain the stretch of every atom in your body when you make a turn or when you flick a fan? I still can't explain it. This will always be my favourite dance routing not only cause of the fans but the feeling when I did it. 

P.S. I'm not even in the above video cause I was at my ah gong's funeral 

P.P.S. I'm in the video below (just felt I needed to look at myself dance once in awhile hahah)

And this was the other item put up at Aristal 2014. I'm inside this one but I can't even be seen so.

And I'm also very grateful for Chinese Dance in giving me so many chances to perform despite my poor attendance /

Nervous as shit for my interview with HDB
As my boss would say, " Lord give me strength in times of need "

fml fml