End of Term reflections

Okay so I know I've previously posted that I'm going to retire this blog, but dayre is a crap alternative for long posts. Also, nothing has changed, I still write horribly so read at your own risk.

The past 11 weeks (10+1 orientation) has been nothing but exhausting. There's just so many things for me to learn here, be it academic matters or basic things about myself I never knew. I'm finding a suitable place to start so I'll just do it chronologically perhaps (like I said, I'm a bad writer).

First few weeks mainly revolved around missing home, learning to cook and deciding which societies to join. Homesickness hit me like a speeding truck I swear. I didn't expect to feel that homesick, but there were just some nights I would mope around in my room and end up in a silent crying fit (because walls are thin and you know, flatmates are around). Other times the crying fits will start when I read something touching online, or re-read a letter my mum wrote. But I always feel better after dealing with myself, like I would think, yes I've dealt with my emotions, time to move on. Cooking wise, I can safely say that I've managed to cook decent food for myself so that I wouldn't have to eat out (expensive and tastes like shite). The strange thing about cooking for me was that initially there was a strange excitement about cooking for people and trying out new recipes. But by week 5, shortly after I fell sick, the excitement and eagerness for it just died completely. My friend said cooking has become more of something I'd do for survival and its not really about trying something new anymore, which I think is quite true. Before I arrived, I made a promise to myself that I would continue dancing, because it does make me happy. So I did, but after 7 weeks, I stopped which was quite disappointing.

There's tonnes more to say but given this blog isn't privatised anymore I shall limit it. Basically, I realised what I really need here isn't a bunch of solid friends. Truthfully, it's only been 11 weeks, and the friends I've gained and lost doesn't really mean that much to me, because it's still in its infancy. A lot can change in a matter of weeks, and I've got three years here so I don't wanna be to desperate to make that many friends so soon anyway. Nonetheless, I'm not belittling the importance of good, reliable friends but think what's more important right now is to be my own anchor. I need to be able to commit to my own promises, not let myself down, get my shit together. I need to take better care of my body and my mental state. To do that I need to have a routine. Once I fell sick in week 4, everything went haywire. I stopped cooking nice meals for myself, I made excuses not to play the piano in Church on Sundays and I started to fall behind on my work. It's really easy to make excuses for yourself over here when parent's aren't here to nag at you to sleep early (although they still lovingly do over Skype) or to eat your vitamins in the morning and all. It's entirely up to you to decide how you want to get through the week.

Term 1 was exhausting. I've done many things I'm proud of myself for doing (i.e., cooking, visiting the doctor on my own, first dance performance i've managed on my own), but there're also a lot of things I wish I'd done better. There's always term 2 to get more things done. This isn't how I really expected uni to be so it's obvious I need to change the way I deal with myself and things around me.

Family is coming up to visit me in 7 days and I'm so stoked! Wish I'd gone home for many many reasons, but this shall suffice.

okay i've set up an alternative blog
time to retire this one

www.dayre.me/nicolettewjj

Hello,
Read no further because I'm going to stop posting on this blog (and it will be deleted by 10th October (nice date don't you think?)
I'll be switching over to dayre for daily / weekly / monthly updates if you're still interested.
Link will be posted here soon!

"But the absence of fighting or hatred or desire also means the opposites do not exist either. No joy, no communion, no love. Only where there is disillusionment and depression and sorrow does happiness arise; without the despair of loss, there is no hope."

—Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World

ohmygoddd spent half an hour watching ballet videos to cheer myself up what on earth !!!!!!!!!!

Skip to 18:00 for the guy's routine (i still think there's legit room for improvement on the outfit tho)

Having lunch alone today at a salad place in town and they were playing all sorts of alternative music and this particular one caught my attention 

I know that I have made mistakes

And I swear I'll never wrong you again

You've got allure I can't deny

what the shit i can't decipher the handwriting on the answer key

Cambridge can go kiss my ass _|_

I got all I need when I got you and I

Yesterday was my kind of perfect day

After taking half day to collect my SGC, Alex and I headed down to Raffles City to have lunch with Alyssa at Din Tai Fung (which did not serve har gao walao). Then we headed down to Cloud Dome and Flower Dome yayyyyyy
So anyway I think Cloud Dome is way nicer than Flower Dome possibly because the Flower Dome didn't have a very nice display going on - it was Fairy Tale themed and I can't really appreciate those anymore. We've just missed the Tulips display shucks.
Ok idw to describe anymore but here are some photos taken using my phone which camera sucks under low light (other than that its working fine)

So this is what you first see when you walk into the Cloud Dome - I spent a good few minutes just staring at this massively beautiful structure. See how the glass ceiling curves around the waterfall? Absolute perfection I swear. 

And this was a lego display of a venus flytrap hmm i think it was a bit out of place tbh 

So this is evidence that my camera sucks under low light conditions BUT just look at the architecture omggg I almost did spaz. 

So there were many holes in the wall where you could look out of? And the water coming down in this photo is not from the waterfall but I think it was mist. Like from a sprinkler or something. Anyway very cool in real life but not really in this photo oops. 

And this was a river looking thing which looks like black ink :( Leading somewhere I think it's just a massive drain hahaha. 

And this is inside the Flower Dome! I'm obsessed with the architecture oh my god it's so beautifully crafted. The way the sunlight streams through the glass ceiling also so perf!!!!!!

So yes this is what I meant by sunlight streaming through the glass 

Big and fat baobab trees - its name is really suitable hahaha

Flowers slightly disappointing tho - some looked a bit dead / dying 

And that's about all the photos I took, no point posting the rest cause they weren't quite nice oops! I'm going to miss this skyline when I head abroad 

look at the silver lining around the clouds, and the sunset along the horizon sigh

But it was such a perfect way to end the day 

One of the best birthday celebrations so far tq friends much love muacks

All the photos have been resized to fit my blog so some didn't turn out looking quite nice :( 

Managed to hold a very very decent 10 min conversation with this lady in the office about food, living overseas and organisational structure. So proud of myself esp since she's more than 40 years my senior! Achievement unlocked i swearr

You're gettin’ me, gettin’ me through the night

So very exhausted today I couldn't even muster enough strength to board the bus back home so thank God my mum dropped by the MRT to pick me up

During work I happened to glance at my phone for a moment and there was a call that came in. On the other end of the line was a guy called Jeffrey (?) from NUS Catholic Students' Society (CSS) and he spent time trying to convince me to join their Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) from 30th June till 3rd July. But the thing is I can't make it on 30th June cause it clashes with my last day of work and Aristal. So I spent a lot of time deliberating whether to attend the camp cause if I don't attend the first day, it'll be a bit extremely intimidating since people would've bonded without me and i didn't want to feel extra. But that's quite a shit reason to be honest haha. It's amazing what long showers can do to you cause during my shower time I've managed to convince myself to go anyway and it's cause of these 2 reasons:
1) There's a reason why I happened to be looking at my phone at the split second the call came in. I don't usually look at my phone at work (kidding) but I know there's a reason for this
2) I'm going to a camp to draw closer to God and I know the Lord wouldn't fail me because He never has. So there's nothing to worry about since He's looking after me! There's probably a very appropriate quote to insert here from the Bible but I'm not a Bible reader so

If you're thinkin' of being my brother it don't matter if you're black or white

Had this massively serious nostalgic moment when MJ's Black or White came on the radio this morning 

& my sis and i were like

Seriously there were days when we came back from school 

& we'll just shove the MJ's album (see below) into the player 

& put this on repeat x10000000000 

there was this once where we were headbanging so hard 

the next morning we had this horrible neck strain HAHA 

oh god going to miss my sis so much :(

this album was released in 1991 - years before i was born ?!

so grateful that my parents introduced his music to us 

'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word

And love dares you to care for

The people on the edge of the night

And love dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves

“Have a heart that never hardens, 
and a temper that never tires, 
and a touch that never hurts.”
-Charles Dickens

我的天！

I've found my P6 class blog

http://6cpwns.blogspot.sg/

*cries*
back then there was something called MSN which was actually cool,
this girl referred to herself as "bala" oh hell
it's so so strange that we know each other, i mean some people I prob won't say hi to them anymore cause it's literally like, we used to know each other a lifetime ago
also it's weird that most of us went to the same secondary school, but we behave like total strangers
but we'll never know if our paths may cross again
omg the feels the feels the feeeeels

sexually explicit remarks are sexually explicit. period.
i don't give a fuck if it's a joke or not.

so tired of being in an unhappy working environment
this time it's my responsibility to take control of my happiness
i suppose i could not be so uptight and work with my boss better
and at the same time ignore his insensitive racial and sexist comments
so so hard to do that but i insist on trying for my sake

1 more month to go
9 years worth of papers done
9 more years of papers to do

i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come on skinny love what happened here? 

It doesn't really mean much when someone says, "I miss you a lot" or "I really wish you were here" or "I'll make time for you for us to meet up!" because I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap so just do something to prove it. I mean you can go ahead and proclaim to the whole world that I mean a lot to you but I absolutely refuse to believe it until you actually do something.

If you don't want to see me again or don't want to spare time to meet me then don't say anything about wanting to meet me. I'll find it hard to understand why but it's better than promising to do so then nothing happens. Cause I'll just keep waiting and waiting, wondering when will you actually do what you promised. The sad thing about this is, you can't take back what you said and I can never unhear or unread what you said / texted me so. Sometimes I think I should take the initiative but I just don't want to cause a) you were the one who promised, I merely said "okay sure!!" or b) i don't want to seem desperate to see you especially if you don't feel the same way about meeting me

I really need to move on to more important things in life (e.g., self development and improvement) than chasing lost friendships. I won't deny we've had fun while it lasted tho.

Finally found his old ringtone 

It would always ring until 她的名字叫小薇 before getting cut off 

Spotify has rekindled my love for Classical music & i'm so delighted
I mean, I can easily find all those obscure pieces are readily available *squeals*
+ I'm slowly giving up on Pop music cause nowadays it really just sucks quite badly tbh.

This piece isn't obscure but it's my new favourite :)))

birthday coming up at the end of the month but i have 0 mood to celebrate this year given that i have to study & do well for this test sigh
& i also think it's about time i stop throwing sleepovers for my birthday - it's getting a bit lame

On the bright side, Vesak Day is the Monday after my birthday so its a long weekend *yess*

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

sian this is so beautiful i wish i was doing this

One thing Chinese Dance taught me was how to be more feminine in my smile, my eyes and in my poses but I can't be bothered in reality hahaha

"How many slams in an old screen door? 
Depends how loud you shut it. 

How many slices in a bread? 
Depends how thin you cut it. 

How much good inside a day? 
Depends how good you live ‘em. 

How much love inside a friend? 
Depends how much you give 'em.”

- Shel Silverstein 

tonight isn't a good night

i'm so bogged down by the fact that i can't solve any question of the 3 papers I've attempted so far. I'm only able to do bits and pieces of it & it's just so worrying.

I'm trying to learn as much as I possibly can & it's just so hard because most of the time, I don't understand the examiner's report since they don't show all the steps and other times I'm trying to decipher handwriting.

+ there's this kid upstairs that just keeps yelling away i just want to jump off a building rn.
work isn't getting any better, it's getting worse
My positive mindset for the week is just plunging

So done with thinking and thinking about the scholarships nonsense

What good is it to think so hard about where you went wrong anyway? All this is just speculation. Forget it mid-term scholarships here i come!!!!!

Should i just stay in Singapore.

i had forgotten how promise feels

Q5 他妈的 i can't see the bloody factorisation god damn it i've been looking at it for 30 mins
the temptation to stab myself is getting higher and higher _|_

so tired my eyes can't open anymore but it's only 9.30pm
sketched this graph thrice but still all wrong
i equated 1 = 0 and deduced that (1,0) is an axial intercept fml
differentiating wrongly also

& tomorrow shall be another day at the office
i shall make it a point next week to remain positive
last week was such a negative week for me it was too draining for my poor soul to handle sigh
& i ended up all exhausted by the time Tuesday came round

i feel so restless
As I'm heading off to university in a matter of months
I find that there's seriously more to life than going to University, dating, getting a good job, getting married, having kids. Like I know there's just something waiting out there for me & it isn't any of the above.

I'm not undermining the importance of schooling and getting a good job and get married etc etc but seriously sometimes i think i should retire at 35 and go do something radical
Like my mum said if you're rich enough you seriously can retire at 35 i.e., richer than millionaire

Maybe something radical like doing good for society on a massive scale not just CIP
or invent something that actually reduces the strain on the environment
I mean I've always thought I'd be an inventor but of the past 19 years, nothing wonderful has ever come up from my pea sized brain hahhaha.

I don't know wth, maybe I'll end up a nun
I'll never know where life takes me!
Which is very exciting
But school comes first so that'll have to wait........

"I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you."

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) dir. Michel Gondry

rage, rage against the dying of the light

Last night i had a dream about ah gong

He appeared at the door of my study room, asking for this piece of worksheet my sister did up for him. My sis did up this simple fill in the blanks in English for him to help him pick up a few words. So I took it off her table and handed it to him. Then after flipping to the second page or so, he said, "Wah, 那么多！"

So i took the paper from him and i understood why cause my sister accidentally attached her Math worksheets to the back of it. So in my halting Chinese I replied him, "没有啦阿公，只有这两张纸。"

He nodded in relief but he couldn't see quite well cause of the poor lighting. So he came into my room (which I realise he never does) and went to my window behind my table. Learning against the window grille, he lifted his spectacles and perched it on his forehead. He held the paper up so the sunlight would shine on it and started reading what my sister did for him.

So the strange thing was, I was looking at him as he read the paper and realised, ah gong is still around and he's still very much alive. Wait, hasn't he passed away? The dream was so real that I forgot that it wasn't reality anymore. And i just thought, okay this is just a dream, I'll wait till I wake up. So in my dream, I woke up (this dream has 2 layers) and I went to blog about it (like what I'm doing now). And after I was done with this blog post, I woke up.


Throughout this whole dream he was wasn't looking gaunt or sickly, he looked like how I would've liked to remember him - as fit as he was around 2008. My mum was saying how it's a sign that he's encouraging me to work hard for STEP / if you look at things in a different light (pun not intended) i may actually be able to do things better / that he's learning English in heaven hahaha

I'm so happy that I dreamt of him, it's almost a year since his death sigh
It just seemed like yesterday that my sister and I were rushing to watch Totally Spies at 3pm and had to compete with him to get to the TV before his 黄金年华 started at the same time
or the time where he would buy prata for us as our afternoon snack which we didn't like but now i wish someone did that
or the times where he would unknowingly interrupt our family conversations and we had to take turns to talk to our mum about our day
or the times where he would carry our bags and walk us to school when from P1 all the way till I was P5
or the times he would bring lunch for my sister and i when we had CCA and walk us home after that

Just last weekend my parents and I went back to his old flat at Holland to leave a document there
And the house was so filthy oh god the tenant there didn't even clean and my aunt who usually does that has been very busy lately so the 3 of us just did the job
I think this was by far the most disgusting thing I've ever done like the drain choked and sewage started seeping into the house?! Or talk about that dead lizard dangling off the cupboard
Everything was so grimy and greasy even mopping twice couldn't get rid of much.

But then I saw this calendar he had in the living room. It's the type you can buy at the market, with the big Chinese words and auspicious dates marked on it. Every morning he would cross out the date and it was a bit chilling to realise that no more dates have been crossed out since the Sunday of his death last year. I still don't know what to think of it. And now as I'm typing this, I realise that I have this calendar for the year 2014 hanging beside my table that he got for me. The type where it's a day to a page and you can rip off the thin paper once the day is done. He'll buy it for me every year. But each year I'll forget to use it and leave it hanging until the next year then I'll throw it away. But 2015 has come and it's still there.

this is my morning ritual
listening to this song as i head off to work hahaha

Extremely uplifting especially at 1:48 and 2:58 
i don't know i just feel damn happy listening to this!!!!!????

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
-Audrey Hepburn

Dats right bitches

Tomorrow's Labour Day and i'm so happy just to get away from work 😊😊

Sometimes i think i'm too conservative
Unwilling to try new things esp if they're quite radical
But it's who i am
And i shouldn't try to change that right?

Ofc life is about taking chances
But idk sometimes i don't want to
Cause i'm afraid of the outcomes

Even as i'm typing this
I think - I'm heading abroad on my own
Isn't that taking a chance?
Maybe i'm willing to take that chance cause its a well calculated one

& just like that
i'm starting to lose admiration for you
cause you're just too caught up in your daydreams
& you trivialize what i'm trying to tell you

Scrolling through Spotify and found this entire track of 97 Hooked on Classics songs
PLUS they have the track I've been trying to find yaaas!!!
Damn excited omg

sian

when you return home can't you give your phone a break and actually talk to me instead

your work don't die if you ignore your phone and just have a 10 min conversation with me right....

today in church this psalm really left an impression on me & i've been pondering about it ever since

It is better to trust in the Lord
Than to put confidence in man.
It is better to trust in the Lord
Than to put confidence in princes.

Psalm 118 : 8 - 9

everything going on in my mind rn is just

i don't give a shit anymore about anything

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

hold me back i'm about to spaz

fuck i'm so frustrated

every Saturday night is spent preparing for Sunday class. and i always run out of ideas, cracking my head over what to do. i don't know but this is making me feel more distant with God. like it's a chore i have to complete & i'm starting to blame Him for why i have to do this.
and i'm seriously falling so behind in my STEP preparation it's just killing me in every aspect
and now i'm wondering if i should quit my job in end May so i can focus for at least 16 days on STEP to catch up before the test on 17th June. And then there's the issue of SEAGames. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

and the scholarship thing is eating away at my self confidence even though i know it should not.
money isn't everything but it's still important i just wish that the concept of money didn't exist. free education, barter trade - there's a lot of problems with that which is why the concept of money came about in the first place

but when it comes to my education i just don't want my mum to spend anymore money
it's between my education and a permanent home
so why why hasn't any other scholarship board invited me for an interview
it's getting damn fucking frustrating. I didn't get shit grades, maybe a C for Econs put y'all off. Or was it my parents income to begin with. Or it could be my lackluster essay well what the hell, not everyone can write that fluently. I could write an argumentative essay for you with ease but if you want me to convince you why I deserve a scholarship that's just so. not me. i know i should just suck it up cause that's really reality. you can write, you can speak well you prob will get the job. i mean look at NUS discretionary entry. Essay + interview. What if you're not that great in writing, your speech kind of sucks. But you want to study Biomedical / Chemical Engineering - does it honestly matter that much. Sure the importance of speaking and writing fluently should not be undermined but when it becomes the entry "criteria" to a course you want to study that does not place language as a key examination criteria like Law, is it really fair.

i just really need to get ^ off my chest. it's eating away at my sanity. i know some of my arguments (like almost all wtf) don't flow but i don't care. i'm not the best arguer anyway so fuck off with all your counter remarks.

+ today's SEAGames with you was just so bad. I felt like we were strangers talking for the first time & there's just no gestures from you that i'm actually your friend (for 12 years) & that you treat me like one

i could apply for mid term scholarship but would my essay really be any different. With such a broad degree like Mathematics what industry do I even enter and will i even know the answer in a year or two. Part of me really just wants to be self employed but how and what business do i do? Another part of me wants to be in the v glamorous finance industry where women wear suits and stilettos and earn shitloads. Another part of me just wants to work in a warehouse doing logistics all day. And a small part of me wants to be a hawker. And like a very (almost negligible) part of me wants to marry a fishball noodle seller so he can make me happy with his cooking for the rest of my life.

i guess at the end of the day i just want all this to be over and done with. Skip this entire part of my life, fast forward to when i'm 70 years old with successful grandchildren and i'm on my deathbed. so i can rejoin my ah gong (and parents) in heaven cause i miss him so much. now his room in my house is just a mini store room where my sis has her organ and double bass inside. wouldn't it be nice if he were still around and she could play a tune for him on the organ. and when he goes to bed he'll have it near him so he'll be reminded of her playing. i don't know these are all just random thoughts flying through my brain. and the new double bass my parents bought has a very very deep tune to it which makes my heart slow down a bit when i hear my sister play. my sister is damn talented i don't know. i used to think i was the better one in terms of everything. but now she's outdoing me and i don't feel bad at all. like wth she can play piano organ double bass. i don't even touch the piano after i was done with Grade 8. plus she's a better leader than me and so much more social. and her grades aren't really that bad even though she thinks so. and she's got internal secretary, something i've never dared to dream of.

and now i just want to have a good cry about my so called stressful life (first world problems which should not be belittled) and move on.

i can't stay sad / angry for long
but i guess if someone broke the trust i have in them i'll be angry for a few days. i won't get over it, but the anger will just subside. like how the pain of losing a loved one subsides after awhile but you'll never be able to forget it.

somedays i feel like the strong independent woman who can conquer everything i set my mind to
other days i feel self doubt creeping in

& today's just one of the other days
& all i need are just some kind words to get me through

I don't know what happened to us
I mean we used to be so close - I'd still like to think we are.
But now when we make decisions, it's just you decide what you do, I decide what I do when all we wanted was to do things together.
I've forced myself to decide what I wanted to do, without thinking of how you felt about it to protect myself and erect a facade of independence.
I should feel bad but I know now that you do the same.

So where does this leave us now?

Really need to push myself harder to get that grade!

I've missed Cambridge already so
If I miss Warwick I'll fall even lower to UCL which isn't something I want

All my friends are getting their offers from local Uni's but I'm just waiting and waiting

Just like waiting for rejections from scholarships sigh

Funny how someone's laughter can stay with you for awhile

Another one of those days where i just want to be alone
+ feeling that i've just been ran over by a bus sigh

It's been a while since I have even heard from you
I should just tell you to leave cause I
Know exactly where it leads but I
Watch us go round and round each time

New found appreciation for Nicki Minaj cause she's the only female rapper I know who sounds like she's actually rapping

Praise the Lord!
I've managed to think of what to do for catechism class in less than 15 minutes tonight

Don't dear me
You condescending shit

With each passing day i feel the distance between us increasing
After all these years how come i suddenly can't take your attitude?
There's definitely something wrong with me

While asshole attitude sucks, i've always been tolerant of that side of you
But now i frown with disgust at the thought of it

"Maybe it's the Singaporean culture that you don't communicate with your peers at work, I don't know?"

No, it's not.
It has absolutely nothing to do with my country.
You have no evidence to prove that.
When you can't seem to find the origin of my apparent "lack of communication" skills, don't take the easy way out by saying it's my country's fault, cause it really isn't.

And don't ever say "Maybe it's an Asian thing, or maybe it's a Singaporean thing"
You don't know any better.
You've only been here for 3 years.
If you can't get used to "Asian or Singaporean culture" then get lost.

In school, we are encouraged to speak up, to voice our opinions.
Perhaps the reason why I don't do so / do much at work is because
You literally don't let my colleague and I complete at least 2 sentences before cutting us off completely.

Why not I phrase it this way?
"Maybe it's European cockiness that you behave so, I don't know?"

Date someone smarter than you my mum would say

But to do that i need to be okay with myself first
So i don't feel so inferior right

hahahah what just happened

I was watching this Math online lecture in preparation for STEP

And the guy went "And if that turns you on, you should try 1/13. It gets more interesting"

Can't wait for 3 more years of this 
Lecturer's getting turned on by math wewww

Only love can hurt like this

I tell myself you don't mean a thing,

And what we got, got no hold on me

But when you're not there I just crumble

I tell myself I don't care that much,

But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch

this is so frustrating

10 questions, all wrong.

self-doubt creeps in slowly this has to stop

The Perks Of Being Single In Your Early 20s

I am single. I have been for a couple years now. I have been in relationships before, and it’s important that you know I’m not single because I’m afraid or because I think the next person I meet is going to hurt me the way the last one did. Not at all. I don’t go into anything with the notion that any 2 people or relationships are alike and will treat me the same way.

It’s just not how I think this whole thing works, and I don’t think it’s fair to the other person to go in with that assumption. If you’re not over past hurt or are not ready to be in a relationship, I don’t think you should be in one. But let’s save that for another blog post.

I am single because I refuse to be with someone unless my entire heart is in it. I tell people all the time how I don’t like anything to be lukewarm. Whether it’s my career, a significant other, or any other kind of life goal, I want the passion and flame. Otherwise, what’s the point? I’m not being difficult or having “too high of standards” for wanting those things, either. I want them because I've felt them and know they’re real. I don’t expect perfection; I expect authenticity. I simply refuse to settle for less.

Right now, I am living life completely selfishly. I am doing everything for myself. I am growing and changing every day, and my roots are not intertwined with anybody else’s. Any decision I make is because it’s the best decision for myself, no one else. I don’t have to answer to anybody. I spend my money the way I want, attend music festivals I want, travel when and where I want, and talk to whoever I want.

Nothing at all holds me back from opportunity or experience. In fact, I’m moving to New York in August to attend graduate school at NYU. Instead of feeling guilty or held back when I made the decision to move, I felt free. I feel like I have wings and I cannot wait for my experiences in that city. I am not restricted by anyone else’s desires. If I want to go to the set of Good Morning America every morning, dammit, I’m going to. My only responsibility is my own happiness.

In taking time for myself and getting to know myself on a higher level, I've also become more comfortable with who I am. Unapologetic, if you will. I don’t need anybody. I don’t need validation; I don’t need someone to come make me feel better if I’m upset. I've learned to take care of myself and rely on myself before anyone else. It really is an amazing feeling. Like I said before, I don't go into anything expecting it to go down in flames.

But through being single and learning to love myself, I know that if the worst should happen, I'll be okay. I don’t depend on anybody. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy other people’s company, because I definitely do. I love my friends and they are always there for me. But it’s different to have your friends there for you versus someone you’re romantically involved with. When the right person comes along, it’ll be wonderful to have that partner to experience things with and lean on-but equally as wonderful to know I won’t collapse without it.

Not only that, it gives you the opportunity to enjoy dating and actually getting to know different people. If there happens to be a spark and you truly want things to go further, that’s awesome! But there’s absolutely no need to feel guilty if your time getting coffee resulted in getting to know an interesting person. It helps you recognize what you do and don’t want in a significant other.

Learning to be comfortable on my own will no doubt make me a better person in a relationship. I recognize what a healthy relationship looks like and I know exactly what I want. I’m not actively looking for anything, but I know that when that special person comes into my life, I’ll be ready to embrace it with my heart and arms wide open because of the time I took to be alone. I couldn't be happier about where I am in my life right now or with the person I've become.

I truly love myself and that makes me sure that I will truly love my significant other with my whole heart. When it happens, I’m going to let it. And it’s going to be beautiful. 

Source: thoughtcatalog

^ is everything I've been thinking about lately & aiming to achieve

"My only responsibility is my own happiness"

Dats right👍

Believe

Well I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I wanna believe
Everything you're trying to say to me

- Mumford & Sons 'Believe'

spent a better part of my day thinking about how i can & what i should do to be more like you

but it hit me like 1 minute ago that it's something i can never achieve?!?!

such immaturity sickens me sometimes urgh

& you still have the audacity to ask me out for lunch as if nothing had ever happened

i mean really
your EQ used to be way higher

piss off negativity

i don't need you around

not tonight or tomorrow morning

sometimes it lasts in love

& the old yet familiar feeling of excitement comes back
but i want it to stop
& i want you to go away cause
nothing good ever came out of this
the last time i felt this way

i must go to this place!

It's St Clair's Beach in Dunedin 

Looks damn cool its a hot salt water pool!?

*I'll join an art class after i'm done with my internship*

I'll let you set the pace
Cause I'm not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can't see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Almost 1am
And there's something terribly wrong with me.

I feel such a great inertia when i think of going out with the very few friends i have because i just don't see a need to? And its scaring me because when i leave what's going to happen? i don't let my guard down easily & so what about making friends in UK? And if i don't even have a social life now when i should and could, what then?

As my mum would say at the end of the day all you need are a few close friends so the number of friends that i have - is it enough? Do i go out and make more friends? Maybe you can never have enough friends

Or a simple way would just be to screw all that i've said above
& go out and have fun instead of staying home & watching movies all weekend

That'll be my aim for the month i guess? Take more chances be more adventurous eat better food eat different types of food (not chinese or italian or japanese) learn to eat spicy food learn to be more patient learn to love people more for who they are & not how they treat you treasure the things i have now & don't worry about the future but be prepared for it

All i want

I've tried this
I've tried that

But in the end
Its not going to work out

Or so I think so.

Good things come and go

But i need you to stay 

"Sometimes we feel empty; we feel a vacuum, a great lack of something. We don’t know the cause; it’s very vague, but that feeling of being empty inside is very strong. We expect and hope for something much better so we’ll feel less alone, less empty. The desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. There’s also the deep thirst to be loved and to love. We are ready to love and be loved. It’s very natural. But because we feel empty, we try to find an object of our love. Sometimes we haven’t had the time to understand ourselves, yet we’ve already found the object of our love. When we realize that all our hopes and expectations of course can’t be fulfilled by that person, we continue to feel empty. You want to find something, but you don’t know what to search for. In everyone there’s a continuous desire and expectation; deep inside, you still expect something better to happen."
- Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist Teacher

somehow someway this reflects my mood perfectly

Some days i taste food so good i think about it for the rest of the day

sigh

Sun's shining I'm positive

I've been reminiscing about my JC days, trying to think of something that I was grateful for.

And after sifting through loads of photos and videos, I think Chinese Dance made me (not happiest for sure) realise how fortunate I am. Many times I felt like quitting Chinese Dance and even shed tears over the frustration of doing it. But despite missing many many many trainings, I was still allowed to perform. 

Boom the photo of me above (in full ang bao costume and reflective forehead and weird headpiece) was taken after I was totally done with Aristal 2014. So initially, only Audi and Nicole were supposed to turn up. So to my utter disbelief (?) Alyssa and Alex also turned up to surprise me. And that day was a very important day to me. Earlier in the week, my ah gong passed away. The day of Aristal was also the day of his funeral. So after attending his funeral in the morning, I had to rush all the way to Singapore Poly (?) or was it Kallang to perform in the evening. It was definitely the darkest week of my life so far. I have never ever experienced the passing of a loved one so close to me and thus I didn't know how to deal with it. School was a horrible thing to go to. I remember the morning after my mum told me about it, I had to take a Chem MCQ test. I remember I scored 2/30. And I totally didn't give a shit cause seriously I didn't even care anymore. Although this sounds totally bizarre, I could feel my ah gong's presence around me for about 3 days after his passing. Maybe its the fact that I haven't come to terms with his passing, like I just couldn't understand / fathom that he's no longer around anymore. I can't even see him on weekends after his dialysis. I remember looking out of the window during GP lessons (like I always do cause nothing ever happens in class) and I can just feel him there, looking into my life. And so ofc I daydreamed the whole day, thinking of my ah gong. Of course I could share my grief with my classmates but I couldn't bring myself to expose my weaknesses to people I barely trust. The only person I told was Hwee Sin cause of Chinese Dance matters and that was it. I remember the second day after his passing I had a good cry with Alex in the toilet during my GP lesson. I also remember crying all alone in the smelly canteen toilet during my break. I also remember the feeling when I performed that night, like it was the final thing ah gong was going to watch before he went to heaven. He has never watched me performed before so that performance was the best one I had ever done in my life. 

So back to the photo: As I exited the changing rooms and struggled up the ramp with all my belongings, I was stunned and so so so happy at the sight of my friends waiting eagerly for me. For that split second, I truly felt like I was the luckiest and happiest girl on the planet. I don't know what I did to deserve such friends but I'm really genuinely thankful for them. And just like the grief I felt, I will forever remember the feeling when we shared a big group hug. Everything felt better after that. All the worries and darkness of the past week were gone & I was back to the same old me again. So if not for Chinese Dance, such a thing wouldn't have happened.

I think the feeling of dancing is something not everyone can understand. It's indescribable. How can you explain the stretch of every atom in your body when you make a turn or when you flick a fan? I still can't explain it. This will always be my favourite dance routing not only cause of the fans but the feeling when I did it. 

P.S. I'm not even in the above video cause I was at my ah gong's funeral 

P.P.S. I'm in the video below (just felt I needed to look at myself dance once in awhile hahah)

And this was the other item put up at Aristal 2014. I'm inside this one but I can't even be seen so.

And I'm also very grateful for Chinese Dance in giving me so many chances to perform despite my poor attendance /

Nervous as shit for my interview with HDB
As my boss would say, " Lord give me strength in times of need "

fml fml

what

What are my strengths

What are my weaknesses

What is my greatest achievement

What is my greatest failure

What is one event that has changed you as a person

Why do you want this so much

Why do you think you should be considered for this

Apparently all these plus other tests plus other questions will determine whether I'm fit to be a scholar hmm.

It was worth the standing.
Every single second of it.

Now my knees, ankles and heels hurt so badly i have to walk on my toes.
But still its nothing compared to how Mr Lee has worked so hard for the nation. I have no idea what to do so this is all i can think of.

Got me sparkling just like an emerald

I've just spend a considerable amount of time reading my old blog posts since the start of 2013. I'll say this and I'm sure I'll repeat it again in the future: My writing skills and immaturity were severely lacking. How I scored an A for GP really makes me wonder.

Procrastinating typing out scholarship essays. MPA requires an essay as well as a presentation slide of the essay. Like. What. And I'm only left with 3 more to apply for and I'll be all done.

My time in the following months will be taken up by scholarship interviews, university research, preparing for STEP test and mentally prepping myself to head overseas. Recently, I've doubted my choice of studying abroad because NUS is ranked top 30 in the world, and some of the universities I've applied to aren't event ranked that high up. It all depends on whether I get my scholarship. If I do, I'll head overseas, no questions asked. If I don't, I guess I'll just stay in Singapore. Spending exorbitant amounts of money to fund my education overseas just doesn't seem too logical.