fuck i'm so frustrated
every Saturday night is spent preparing for Sunday class. and i always run out of ideas, cracking my head over what to do. i don't know but this is making me feel more distant with God. like it's a chore i have to complete & i'm starting to blame Him for why i have to do this.
and i'm seriously falling so behind in my STEP preparation it's just killing me in every aspect
and now i'm wondering if i should quit my job in end May so i can focus for at least 16 days on STEP to catch up before the test on 17th June. And then there's the issue of SEAGames. it wasn't supposed to be like this.
and the scholarship thing is eating away at my self confidence even though i know it should not.
money isn't everything but it's still important i just wish that the concept of money didn't exist. free education, barter trade - there's a lot of problems with that which is why the concept of money came about in the first place
but when it comes to my education i just don't want my mum to spend anymore money
it's between my education and a permanent home
so why why hasn't any other scholarship board invited me for an interview
it's getting damn fucking frustrating. I didn't get shit grades, maybe a C for Econs put y'all off. Or was it my parents income to begin with. Or it could be my lackluster essay well what the hell, not everyone can write that fluently. I could write an argumentative essay for you with ease but if you want me to convince you why I deserve a scholarship that's just so. not me. i know i should just suck it up cause that's really reality. you can write, you can speak well you prob will get the job. i mean look at NUS discretionary entry. Essay + interview. What if you're not that great in writing, your speech kind of sucks. But you want to study Biomedical / Chemical Engineering - does it honestly matter that much. Sure the importance of speaking and writing fluently should not be undermined but when it becomes the entry "criteria" to a course you want to study that does not place language as a key examination criteria like Law, is it really fair.
i just really need to get ^ off my chest. it's eating away at my sanity. i know some of my arguments (like almost all wtf) don't flow but i don't care. i'm not the best arguer anyway so fuck off with all your counter remarks.
+ today's SEAGames with you was just so bad. I felt like we were strangers talking for the first time & there's just no gestures from you that i'm actually your friend (for 12 years) & that you treat me like one
i could apply for mid term scholarship but would my essay really be any different. With such a broad degree like Mathematics what industry do I even enter and will i even know the answer in a year or two. Part of me really just wants to be self employed but how and what business do i do? Another part of me wants to be in the v glamorous finance industry where women wear suits and stilettos and earn shitloads. Another part of me just wants to work in a warehouse doing logistics all day. And a small part of me wants to be a hawker. And like a very (almost negligible) part of me wants to marry a fishball noodle seller so he can make me happy with his cooking for the rest of my life.
i guess at the end of the day i just want all this to be over and done with. Skip this entire part of my life, fast forward to when i'm 70 years old with successful grandchildren and i'm on my deathbed. so i can rejoin my ah gong (and parents) in heaven cause i miss him so much. now his room in my house is just a mini store room where my sis has her organ and double bass inside. wouldn't it be nice if he were still around and she could play a tune for him on the organ. and when he goes to bed he'll have it near him so he'll be reminded of her playing. i don't know these are all just random thoughts flying through my brain. and the new double bass my parents bought has a very very deep tune to it which makes my heart slow down a bit when i hear my sister play. my sister is damn talented i don't know. i used to think i was the better one in terms of everything. but now she's outdoing me and i don't feel bad at all. like wth she can play piano organ double bass. i don't even touch the piano after i was done with Grade 8. plus she's a better leader than me and so much more social. and her grades aren't really that bad even though she thinks so. and she's got internal secretary, something i've never dared to dream of.
and now i just want to have a good cry about my so called stressful life (first world problems which should not be belittled) and move on.
i can't stay sad / angry for long
but i guess if someone broke the trust i have in them i'll be angry for a few days. i won't get over it, but the anger will just subside. like how the pain of losing a loved one subsides after awhile but you'll never be able to forget it.
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